Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
