whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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