I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
