when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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