Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
