It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
