One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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