He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
if only i could text you this smell
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
