Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
