Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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