Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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