i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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