oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
