Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
