If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
