The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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