LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Come on in and take your pants off
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