he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
