everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
