All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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