he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
