my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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