Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
