I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
