Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
