my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
