hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's official drugs can't kill me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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