There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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