my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
