Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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