I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
