just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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