Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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