And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
