i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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