Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
