I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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