I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
