I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Of course I have a pirate flag
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
