moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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