I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
whose parrot is this?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
