can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
