he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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