Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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