Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
