I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize