Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
