like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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