Michael Bay diarrhea
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
