She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
