I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
