My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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