that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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