we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
