I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize