is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have tasted many bathrooms
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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