she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
