Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize