So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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